Honesty

A lot of the stuff I write about is political, some of it isn't. But I haven't to this point written anything about my fears and the things I need to be better at. This has been on mind for the better part of a year; hopefully it helps you too.

Sometimes it becomes important to make a change. It doesn't matter what the size of the action is; all that matters is the execution of it. It might be something as huge as cutting something, or someone, out of your life for good. It might be something as small as speaking your mind on something you know needs to be said. At the end of the day, the relative severity of the action doesn't matter. What matters is whether you do it or not once you realize it must be done.

When that knot in your stomach, that scream in your soul, tells you that something is amiss do you act on it? Or do you choke it down and pretend that nothing is wrong so you can remain comfortable, regardless of the falsity of it? Do you listen to your gut? Or do you allow toxicity to form in a space where none should exist just to save yourself the "hassle" of having to do the hard thing? Do you settle in situations so you don't have to do the right thing because people's feelings might get hurt?

See, the most important kind of honesty is honesty with yourself. People, in general, suck at this. It's a constant fight for everyone, myself included. We all suck at it because being honest and true with yourself is hard. Most people are not honest with themselves. They spin tales, and invest tons of energy creating narratives, that allow them to tell stories to themselves in an effort to avoid that truth that tells them who they are and what's important. They actively try to distract from the realities of their lives. Hell, most folks will call an apple an orange if it’ll allow them to avoid facing their worst demons and better angels because both of those things are scary and demand acknowledgement when faced. The most damaging part of this tendency, however, is this: when a person can't be honest with themselves, how could they ever be honest with anyone else?

If the entire narrative of life is predicated on avoidance in an attempt to duck how they really, deep down, know they feel in pursuit of what the brain thinks it wants in the moment, it is impossible for them to be honest with anyone in a truly connective way. And that is not the person I want to be. I need to be honest with myself. And if you’re being honest with yourself, so do you. I have a drive to find that barest truth of my life, and those situations I deal with from day to day. Because those situations create the necessity for decisions, and those decisions lay out the course of your entire life.

That's why there's so many people that started in one place, end up in another, have no idea how they got there, and hate who they've become. I've been in those shoes. I've done the hard work of trying to reclaim myself. I've spent years working to learn who I am and what I believe. I had to crack through layer after layer of excuses, doubts, insecurities and self-lies. That is not a process I ever want to go through again. It's painful. I could even see it being depressing and defeating if someone isn't mentally prepared for the truths that come out of it once you break down your own self-delusions. And all it takes is being honest about stuff.

We've all been there. A situation arises, or a realization hits us, and all of the sudden things start to feel.....off. That's the best way I can put it in print. Then we examine it; we think about it and try to understand that off-kilter feeling. And then your gut starts talking to you. Some people might call it your conscience, but it‘s really all coming from the same place.

I believe we all have a part of us that is much smarter than any brain on the planet; it instinctively, and intelligently, knows how to respond and understand just about anything. I don't know what to call it--inner self, maybe. Regardless, it's always talking to us and telling us things. Everyone knows that pit in your stomach that I'm talking about. I don't believe that its nerves, fear or any number of other random emotions. I believe that's your smartest self trying to tell our emotion-addled brains what's up. Then we have to decide whether or not to listen.

If we would just take a little time to understand ourselves, and be honest about ourselves as we operate in our lives we wouldn't have nearly as many issues as we do. At a minimum we could greatly decrease the chance that we'll end up being the authors of our own pain. Because let's face it: we almost always create our own problems. One bad decision leads to another, and another and another. Before you know it you're in so deep, you can't see a way out because you forgot where you started. That's not a place I ever want to see anyone in.

I guess really what I'm getting at is the importance of introspection; of being able to talk to your inner self and work with it instead of just fighting to cover it up. We think that we can avoid hardship by not listening to it, and that wish for the easy way makes things so much worse. But we do it anyway, because of what we know comes next if we do listen. Because once you listen to it, the only step left is execution-following through on what you know you must if you're to continue being you. I don't want to lose myself to a lack of willingness to act. That breeds fear, doubt and unhappiness. The whole reason I ride motorcycles is to capture a reprieve from all of the serious stuff in my life. Why create more of it than already exists?

I don't know how someone gets there; I know that everyone has to go about it a different way. But it's so important to find that path, and plot that course.

We claim sentience as a species. That's what makes us different. With that comes morals, values and a slew of other things. But if we can't go internal, and all we do is react and attempt to avoid that which makes us uncomfortable, we're not sentient. We're just really funny looking apes pretending to be smarter than we really are. At that point, all of the morals and values in the world are nothing but cheap costumes attempting to hide the truth of our self-diluted situation.

I don't want to be that, and I refuse to. I challenge you. Be HONEST. True honesty, not that fake crap where you say what you "believe" but really you're just saying what comes to mind at any given time. Go deeper. Get to know your inner, and listen to your gut. Do what's right, and make sure that you can live with yourself. Don't do it for other people. Don't do it for reputation or glory or image. Don't do it because of politicians, priests or peers. Do it for you.

Because at the end of the day, all of those people can (and probably will at some point) split because they've gotten what they need from you. And you'll be standing there holding the sludge of a life built on decisions that you knew deep down you didn't like, but you made anyway because it was the easiest path. Don't be afraid to be a lone wolf; I can tell you from experience, it's not nearly as bad as folks make it out to be.